a letter to myself: i see you, mama

Mama, I SEE you.

You’re feeling a little lost. A little frustrated. A little sad. SO TIRED. I see the tears on your cheek; I hear the thoughts you keep only in your head. I know the guilt creeps in and I know how hard that is.

I SEE you.

You feel like you’re drowning in motherhood. You’re not. I know you know that, but I also know how murky things can be sometimes. The laundry, the dishes. The TOYS. Those God-forsaken TOYS. I know how many times you’ve threatened to throw them all out.

I SEE you.

You’re aching for more time. You’re aching for it to slow down and to speed up. You’re aching for the days you’ll get yourself back a little bit. You’re aching for them to stay little forever.

I SEE you.

I see you trying to remember to cook vegetables sometimes. I get it – chicken nuggets are easier.

I see you pumping as you eat your lunch in the bathroom at work, cursing the entire freaking experience because who loves pumping, much less doing it in the bathroom? No one. That’s who.

Mama, I SEE you.

I see the joy & love for those two tiny boys seeping from your heart. I see the joy & love they have for you every time you squeeze them close.

I see them run into your arms and their faces light up when you walk in the door at the end of a long day.

I feel their warm hugs and wet kisses.

I KNOW that you are their world. That you, mama, are the first face they see in the morning when they open their eyes and the last they see before they close them at night.

I SEE you.

Mama, I see you. You think you’re failing them, but you’re not. You are so far from failing. You think you’re lost, but you’re not. You think they aren’t getting what they need from you, but you are wrong. YOU are exactly the mother they need and YOU are doing great.

I see you, Mama. Even when you can’t see yourself.

 

 

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